My rapper name would be MC Squared.
Tag Archives: Music
Quiz: Are You Beyoncé?
No.
Winners And Losers At The 56th Annual Grammy Awards
Were you as starstruck as I was Sunday night? I’m still sleeping off the incredible rush I got from the 2014 Grammy Awards and also an immense hangover. No matter what kind of music you’re into, the Grammys have something for everyone. For those who missed the star-studded spectacular, here’s the rundown on the biggest winners and losers at this year’s awards:
Winners
Nanny Feldman – This little biddy is bringing sexy back to klezmer! Her recent hit “Bei Mir Bistu Shein” won Best Cover of an Andrews Sisters Song, much to the surprise of Eunice Shoenberg, who thought her “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” was a shoe-in.
Gramma Phone – Who can forget this little firecracker? After nearly twenty years of silence, Theresa Edwards – better known by her stage name Gramma Phone – wowed audiences with a surprise comeback album. Yes I’m Still Alive was the darling of the festivities, taking home Best Album By A Centenarian, Best Original Song (“These Ain’t Tremors I Just Know How To Shake It”), and a Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.
“Like an introductory class / I’m 101 / My education’s on vacation / I’m just here to have fun (Yeah, shake it)”
Hard-Knit Holiday – Formed after the recent breakup of Cookie Cutters, death metal group Hard-Knit Holiday took home Best Seasonal Album for the December release of A Christmas Wreathed In Flames. Though their music is rather eclectic compared to their more traditional competition, most in attendance had to admit that 86-year-old lead singer Dolores Needlz pulled off some pretty impressive flips during her performance.
Euphemia Hayes (aka SugarBitch) – Undisputed winner of Best New Artist, Ms. Hayes enjoyed three solid months at the top of the charts for her self-titled debut album SugarBitch. MC SugarBitch also provided the opening number, delighting the audience with her hit song “Imma Whoop Yo Ass.” Rap on, Ms. Hayes, rap on!
Losers
Edna Kravitz – Repeatedly spurned for her eclectic brand of new wave funk, Mrs. Kravitz refused to appear, even snubbing personal friends Old Lady Harper and the members of Grandma’s Apron. Not classy, Kravitz!
Yolanda Johnson – Ms. Johnson had to attend her grandson’s third birthday party, and was unable to attend the evening. She sends her regards.
Bruno Mars – His hit “Locked Out of Heaven” lost to Lorde’s “Royals.” Better luck next year!
Victoria Smith (aka Dirty Vikki) – Her newest album, Bake Dat Shit, is a hip-hop departure from her standard prog-rock fare and was universally panned. Dirty Vikki Smith wasn’t even nominated this year. At least she had the courtesy to show up! (We’re looking at you, Kravitz.)
Who were you rooting for this year? Sound off in the comments!
284.) The Manifesto on Things That Go Great Together
The iPad is Apple’s version of Apple’s version of the MP3 player. In other words, there are very few differences between the iPad and iPod touch. Yes, “touch” is lower-case, as Apple still refuses to follow English conventions (for example, “go great together”). Both the iPad and iPod touch have touch screens, Internet access, and more applications than there are whales in Wales. That’s right. Infinitely more. Unless, of course, you count the ocean, which is where whales typically live. If you count the ocean, then there is quite a plethora of whales in Wales. By which I mean the iPad and iPod touch are virtually identical. But there is one amazing difference that really sets the iPad apart from its semi-identical twin – the price.
The iPad is a wonderful tool. It is useful, handy, functional, and any other synonym for “it gets the job done.” Apple has really outdone themselves this time. They’ve shown the world that their followers are both money-loaded and gullible. Before I continue, I must say that I myself am an Apple fan. I write on a MacBook Pro, have an iPod and iPhone, and use iTunes for most of my music and video purchases. However, that does not stop me from seeing the humor in a giant iPod touch.
In the iPad’s defense, I should probably point out some of the features. First, it has a beautiful screen that costs approximately a dollar per pixel. Viewing games, the Web, and e-mail has never been so rewarding. (The reward, by the way, comes from all the manual labor you’ll be doing to pay off your bank loan.) The device has started a revolution – Apple has set the standards for the “I-want-it-but-don’t-want-to-pay-for-it” category of expensive and extraneous objects that cost 30 times the price of a GameStop GameCube. They’ve always been pioneers.
If somebody were to come up to me and say, “Here, have an iPad,” I wouldn’t complain. I might wonder as to the credibility of some random guy walking up to me and shoving a box in my hands, but I still wouldn’t complain. At least, not until the police report. The point is, I would very much love to have an iPad. And I’m not alone. A recent study showed that 97% of Americans would accept an iPad from a stranger/would be willing to pay half price/would be more willing to pay a quarter price/just really want an iPad. Another study that I similarly just made up argued that, while the previous study has some credibility, 97 just so happens to also be the percentage of statistics that are fabricated. Therefore, argues this study (Yes, et al. 2010), 97% is 62% as likely as 49% of all statistics that are 73% made up. The latter study was widely discredited after the discovery that the researchers could neither formulate coherent data nor finish grammatically correct sentences. They were forced to turn in their lab coats and pursue a slightly less glamorous career of selling pens.
The iPad: Proving beyond a doubt that Apple fanboys will buy anything. Manifesto, OUT.
American Idol: Novel Edition
Have you heard about the newest show? It’s called American Idol: Novel Edition. All the good ideas were taken, so they came up with one that nobody had ever even thought of. Except, of course, for me, but the lawsuit for the rights to the title was dropped on the grounds of “everybody loves American Idol, you television-illiterate twit.”
I don’t watch reality programming, as I prefer to gather my conception of reality from more accurate and reliable sources, like The Onion. But this is how I hear the show works. Some author, previously unheard of, brings his or her novel to the judges, who read the books on camera. It takes awhile, but that’s how they have to do it. Otherwise, they could have read the books some other time, and that just wouldn’t be fair. Or so I’m told. In any case, the potential best-seller is then judged based on quality, content, and amount of praise for certain celebrities. I hear the pilot episode was particularly exciting. They almost got a third of the way through the first submission. Of course, there is variance in reading speed, so one judge almost got halfway, and another got slightly past the second paragraph. Simon Cowell skimmed the title and fell asleep on page one. He later criticized the publishing company for making the pages stick together with a substance he likened to his own drool.
I submitted a book to be judged. I flew all the way to Los Angeles to deliver it, and was simply told I couldn’t sing, and would I please make my way to the third-story balcony, where a bouncer would be with me shortly. On the way to the hospital, I wondered about the singing component. What song had I chosen to perform? Who was it by? I became disappointed when I realized they must have judged me by my cover.
Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical. I’m going to write an angry and rather confused letter demanding my book be released by MTV.
The Most Extreme Sport Ever
As I am the most awesome person I know – which is really saying something, believe me – I am required by law to engage in extreme sports. You may say this is an odd law, but isn’t it against the law in Pepperbox, Delaware, to ride mice through the city streets while simultaneously singing the Bill of Rights and yelling the Star Spangled Banner? It isn’t? Well, I guess that makes sense. I mean, who’s ever heard of mice in the street?
The sport I have chosen may well be the most extreme sport of all. No, not listening to “Justin Bieber Sings Metallica Live” – available at your local K-Mart. No, I go all out and engage in extreme empathy. Yes, you heard me right. Read me. Saw me. Whatever. You —- me right – extreme empathy. It originated as torture for gladiators in the Coliseum. Romans went to see these warriors battle to the death as they felt each other’s pain and planned quote-unquote support groups. (I have to write out quote-unquote, because the apostrophe keys on my Internet-enabled typewriter are on strike after being forced to surround the Bieber album title.)
I get so extreme that I actually become one with the Force of Actual Kinetic Emotions (Really), or FAKER for short. This universal human force, with which, to achieve Enlightenment, one must submit one’s body to in the form of a three-page application, resides in a hydrogen isotope found in small amounts in the atmosphere and lower stratosphere. By becoming one with this quasi-/semi-spiritual force, I allow myself to feel the burdens of every human being who ever lived. Or, at least, who ever lived and actually believed in the FAKER. By which I mean myself and the guy who discovered the force. By which I mean myself. But that is no matter, because I’m the world’s most famous extreme empathy athlete, out of all the world’s extreme empathy athletes. Similarly, by which I mean myself. But it’s good to be the best at something. It looks good on the FAKER application or a résumé for Burger King.
Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical. I’m going to go to my room and sulk in a corner about my own miseries.
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