All posts by Jeremy Allmendinger

Xavier Yes runs JKL Media Network, which surprised everybody by turning a profit in 2012. Money scares him, so he fled to Ireland. His sites include Pavlov's Hair Conditioner - an alternative humor source - and a lot of others that he keeps forgetting. People seem to like scheduling him at book festivals. His favorite places to avoid being scheduled at book festivals are pubs and mountaintops. A published cartoonist and avid backpacker, he enjoys skiing, music, and referring to himself in the third person. He is also a regular on Saturday Night Live, has six-pack abs, and thinks lying to people is funny. Follow his foreign adventures on Pavlov's Hedgehogs.

Still Too Damn Windy – A Year of Ireland Part Four

I’ve already covered Howth pretty well. Just in case, though, here’s a quick recap.

. "Heard it already. I'm out."
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“Heard it already. I’m out.”

The first, most important thing you need to know about Howth is fudge. It’s also got a phenomenal weekend farmers market, which is perhaps best know for its fudge.

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Fudge.

This little patch of flowers is locally famous for being the most colorful area for thirty kilometers.

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Recycling jokes because I care about the comedic environment.

We had some absolutely gorgeous weather for our day in the seaside village.

Howth Harbour receives more oceangoing vessels than all of central Siberia combined.
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Relatively speaking.

Here’s the harbor itself. In the background is Ireland’s Eye, a small island uninhabited aside from some ruins.

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Weird old churches can pop up almost anywhere in Ireland. Here’s one above a bike shop:

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Another angle:

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This seagull lives life on the edge:

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Ireland is ridiculously strict about cleaning up after your pooch.

That's some expensive shit, man.
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None of these signs make a difference.

An old fishing boat tied to the breakwater.

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Check it out:

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More seaworthy than the Plassy, that’s for damn sure.

We decided to walk out on the breakwater towards the lighthouse. Now, if there’s one thing you should know about Howth, it is that the town is exceptionally windy.

. This picture was taken between gusts.
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This picture was taken between gusts.

Howth gets more wind than most wind tunnels. NASA considered testing their designs here before realizing the weather surpassed any extreme they could possibly encounter. Residents call Chicago the “Breezy City,” and then only because they’re being generous.

. We were there on a calm day. By our next visit this was all white froth.
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We were there on a calm day. By our next visit this was all white froth.

While walking out, we got a closer view of Ireland’s Eye.

. Ireland's a cyclops. Who knew?
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Ireland’s a cyclops. Who knew?

The lighthouse:

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Past the lighthouse was a little vantage point.

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Then we walked back towards the town.

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We decided to head up around the bend towards the hiking trails.

. This bend.

This bend.

We’ll get to those in the next post. Until then, I have to go save Brillo from whatever trouble he’s gotten himself into now.

. "You're the one who put me here, dick."
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“You’re the one who put me here, dick.”

Snow Problem

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You know when your neighbor stops you and says, “Haha, if you don’t like the weather just wait ten minutes!” and chuckles quietly as he pats himself on the back? It doesn’t matter where you live, two things are guaranteed: One, you have weird neighbors. Two, everyone everywhere thinks their state has the strangest weather. Turns out, unless you live in New England, your neighbor is dead wrong. Also you should probably keep an eye on him. Trouble brewing there if I ever saw it.

Now, I have stories out the whazoo about New England weather. There was the time our house got lifted off its foundation and replaced slightly off-center by a gust of wind. My parents’ trampoline once got blown twenty feet up a tree and bent in half, also by a gust of wind. Some time later, my grandparents lost a two-story barn door and their best maple sap producer to, well, a gust of wind. It’s pretty windy here. But that whole “wait ten minutes” business is not truer anywhere else in the States than here in the Northeast.

This week started at eighty degrees. On Tuesday it snowed. This afternoon our grass turned green. The following photos are all from a single day, within a few hours.

I got off the bus at the Champlain College campus, because it’s gorgeous and also I go to school there.

. Though by this photo you'd never guess summer break was just weeks away.
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Though by this photo you’d never guess graduation was only a few weeks away.

After my morning class, I walked home to get ready for a lunch date.

. My springtime walk home is not normally this cold.
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A stroll normally accompanied by flowers and warmth.

That morning’s high was twenty degrees with a biting wind. It’s practically tropical compared to the thirty below of this past winter, but still, it’s spring. I was sweating bullets on Monday, and now I’m bundling up before venturing into the frozen tundra beyond my apartment. It’s nuts.

On a more positive note, check out this art I made:

. Alert the Louvre.
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Alert the Louvre.

As I walked back downtown for lunch, I passed the University of Vermont:

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Keep in mind I took these photos well after the snow had stopped. Even though it was cold, the sun was intense and many patches had already begun to melt. We didn’t get buckets of the stuff, but based on the previous night’s exploits I’d guess there was a solid inch on the ground. We also had copious amounts of ice, which I got up close and personal with several times.

The UVM campus is absolutely massive. It covers probably a good half of Burlington and the surrounding towns. The path I take into town goes straight through the heart of the school. Here are some of the dorms.

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I love taking pictures of this intersection. I have no idea why. I have like a hundred of them.

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Much as I love the architecture of Champlain, UVM is truly awe-inspiring. Check this business out:

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. It's like an Adirondack Hogwarts.
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It’s like an Adirondack Hogwarts.

Looking down towards the lake:

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Check out these sweet dorms:

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This is not a dorm:

. It is an apartment building.
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It’s an apartment building.

I got arty with a bush next to the apartment building.

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My boyfriend’s apartment:

. Yup, snowed here too.
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Yup, snowed here too.

We went out for Chinese to celebrate the end of his student teaching episode. He’s now just days away from becoming a certified teacher. No jokes here, just pride.

. All-you-can-eat for eight bucks. Why would we go anywhere else?
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Eight bucks of all-you-can-eat Chinese food’s worth of pride.

By the time we rolled our bloated bellies out of there, the snow was almost gone.

. From Nanook of the North to San Francisco in two hours.
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From Nanook of the North to San Francisco in two hours.

As I walked home through my suddenly snowless surroundings, I noticed that not only had the scenery changed, but it was at least twenty degrees warmer than when I walked downtown.

.  "It was a dark and stormy night, and then suddenly it wasn't." - Excerpt from Vermont's memoir
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“It was a dark and stormy night, and then suddenly it wasn’t.”
– Excerpt from Vermont’s memoir

I took some pictures at the same angle as my earlier ones:

. The dorms.
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The dorms.
. The lake.
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The lake.
. The Hogwarts.
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The Hogwarts.
. The Hogwarts.
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The Hogwarts.
. The Hogwarts.
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The Hogwarts.
. The intersection.
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The intersection.

New England doesn’t have seasons, it has hourly temperaments. I really can’t stress enough how truly weird it is to have snow in the morning, and walk home sweating in the sun just hours later. We even had green grass.

. For months, the only green I've seen is the handle of my shovel.
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For months, the only green I’ve seen is the handle of my shovel.

You remember that snow-covered school from earlier? Well, here it is by the end of the day.

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What the hell.

Check back for the exciting conclusion of the Snow Blown series whenever I get around to writing it.

 

9 Celebrity Tweets You Missed This Week

Twitter’s not for everybody. Some people just can’t be constrained to that pesky 140-character limit. That said, you’re missing out. To prove it, here are nine celebrity tweets you may have missed this week. Yes, they are all from me.

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Bonus photo tweet!

 

 

And with that, welcome to our latest feature, BuzzFeed ReWritten. Catch some of the earlier ones here, here, here, here, and here.

Nothing Is Bad On Free Cone Day

Yesterday was Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s. It’s a global event, but it’s extra-special here in Burlington where the company began. The scoop shop on Cherry (Garcia) Street is arguably the most famous outside the factory itself, and often appears in their promotional material.

. You thought I was kidding about the street, didn't you?
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You thought I was kidding about the street, didn’t you?

Well, the snow is just about gone, and to celebrate its death hundreds of Vermonters stood in damp 30º weather waiting for ice cream. In our defense, it is very good ice cream.

I’ve gone to this event every year since I moved to the Queen City, save when I was in Ireland. There’s always a long, snaking line, and it never takes less than an hour. There are tricks of the trade – always go before school lets out, for example – but it’s still an adventure. We usually just play cards while we wait.

This year, though, there was no line in sight. We were early, yes, but even then this was highly unusual.

. Even on Paid Cone Days, this sidewalk is bustling.
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Even on Paid Cone Days, this sidewalk is bustling.

As we approached the shop, there was still no line in sight.

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Had we done it? After all these years, had we finally beaten Free Cone Day?

. Of course not. Don't be stupid.
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Of course not. Don’t be stupid.

Turns out, this year the line snaked in the opposite direction. But don’t worry! You weren’t worried, were you? Honestly, this is a relatively minor thing to worry about, but in case you were, don’t, because this year the line was super speedy. I don’t know what the lines look like elsewhere, but the wait is legendary in Burlington. It’s hard to describe just how mindblowing it truly was to arrive, be served, and leave, all within fifteen minutes.

As we approached the door, each of us decided on a flavor. I chose Phish Food, because I enjoy the finer things in life.

. The end is in sight!
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Almost there!
. Almost there!
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The end is in sight!
. There's a band for some reason!
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There’s a band for some reason!
. And we're back outside!
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And we’re back outside!

 Yeah, I don’t have any pictures of my ice cream. I ate it.

We were considering going to UVM and swinging by their Ben & Jerry’s, but it’s a good thing we didn’t.

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. And then it rained.
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And then it rained.

See you next year, Ben & Jerry’s!

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Or tomorrow. I’ll probably see you tomorrow.

6 Bagels Who Lied On Their Job Applications

Bagels are the most delicious food on the planet, along with Nutella and hamburgers and Nutella burgers on a bagel bun. But you know what? Can’t trust them half as far as you can throw them. Here are six bagels who lied on their job applications.

1. This bagel bit off more than it could chew

Bagel1It is totally unqualified to handle the social media presence of a midsize company.

2. This bagel has been spreading more than lies

Bagel3It knowingly comes to work sick, infecting the whole office.

3. This bagel thought it could handle everything

Bagel4But it’s quickly learning how wrong it was, at great emotional cost to itself and its friends.

4. This bagel has no moral fiber

Bagel2It also lied about the other applicants, one of whom was a close friend.

5. This bagel is caught in a ring of lies

Bagel5Its web of falsehoods is quickly crashing down around it.

6. This bagel is just awful

bagel6It enjoys neither telling the truth nor spending time with family.