Dear Supreme Leader, I am but a lowly citizen of your great regime. You have so kindly given me more than I deserve, and I have nothing to complain about because life is grand. I am a happy, happy camper. Just thought you should know. Sincerely, Painfully Poor and Brutally Impoverished in Pyongyang Dear whatever, Work harder and don’t burn things. Sincerely, Totally Kim Jong-Un right now.
Tag Archives: Health
Except For Cetaphil, That Stuff’s Hilarious
A friend of mine just made a joke about skin cream but I’ve never cared for topical humor.
2,014 Resolutions We Might Keep In 2014
1. Stick to a manageable number of simple resolutions
2. Resurrect the Roman Empire and ascend to the throne
3. Replace Robert Downey Jr. as the global standard of attractiveness for men ages 20 to 120
4. Experiment with at least two different types of ballpoint pen
5. Forget weight loss goal as soon as possible
6. Catch up on latest exciting episode of I Love Lucy
7. Find out where tarragon comes from
8. Type the number 9
9. Check
10. Double digits already? Whoo! That counts as a resolution, right?
11. Learn to play banjo. Being well versed in guitar, this should be a snap
12. Become well versed in guitar
13. Stop consuming ridiculous quantities of whiskey. Consume absurd quantities instead
14. Figure out how to spell that word. You know the one
15. Amass incredible fortune somehow
16. Find out, once and for all, who moved my goddamn cheese
17. Unclog drain
18. Attain Nirvana. Failing that, attain Nirvana CD
19. Something about being a better person
20. Find ideal bread/butter ratio
21. Breathe at least twice
22. Laugh at someone who pronounces “room” like “rum”
23. Secretly feel guilty that you pronounce “room” like “rum”
24. It’s not even an alcoholic beverage
25. It’s a space that contains a set of furniture or appliances of a particular nature
26. What’s wrong with you?
27. Eat ham
28. Tell everyone how you’re going to spend less money on booze. Give up because no one believed you anyway
29. Travel to exotic destinations, like outside
30. Balance work and social life. 20 minutes of writing for every three weeks of relaxation seems to have worked in the past
31. Purge clothes. No matter how hard it is to see them go, no one needs more than 200 pairs of shoes. 300 tops
32. I’m keeping the wingtips, though
33. Fucking stop swearing all the goddamn time. Shit
34. Learn how to change “3” to “4” as inconspicuously as possible for when you inevitably write “4 January 2013″
35. Take fewer photographs of food. No more than 10-20 per entrée
36. Start gym, begin operations in time for 2015’s sad sacks
37. Begin 2016 Christmas cards or you’ll never get them done
38. Post every day
39. Whoops, oh well, that’s a load off my back
40. Find the perfect apple
41. Follow through on every promise
2012. Don’t make promises
2013. Live life to the fullest, stop to smell the roses, and don’t take no wooden nickels
2014. Survive
Lobbing Granny Smiths At Them Works, Too
I fed my doctor an apple a day and he disappeared.
Goes Great With Shellfish
Finally, a product for those who prefer to have all their allergic reactions at once.
See Also: Queen Zumba of Assyria
Pontius Pilates
Roman governor and fitness enthusiast best known for developing the popular regimen that bears his name.
Kansas Youth Reports Colors Besides Sepia, Is Promptly Institutionalized
Kansas Youth Reports Colors Besides Sepia, Is Promptly Institutionalized
Returning from what she described as a “magical adventure,” a Kansas youth asserted Thursday that the world consisted of more tones than sepia. For the safety of those around her, she was quickly escorted to Pleasant Dale Mental Asylum in Tartenberg.
“She was mostly likely traumatized by being swept up in a massive tornado,” said Pleasant Dale Dr. Hans Frankenbaum. The patient, identified only as “Dorothy,” showed “signs of being bludgeoned repeatedly by swirling farm equipment,” as well as a mysterious mark across her face resembling a bicycle tire tread.
Upon waking up from an extended coma, Dorothy told her family about “the Emerald City” and a road made of yellow masonry, said her aunt, Emily Gale. “My first reaction was to just laugh it off, pass it off as a child’s imagination,” said Gale. “I didn’t really think to phone the doctor until she mentioned the… the ‘Horse of a Different Color.’”
Dorothy’s caretakers say she currently poses little risk to the outside world, and has passed most of her mental stability tests with flying tones of sepia.
Pavlov's Hair Conditioner 